Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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