dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
