please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
