my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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