Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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