I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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