Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
