you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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