My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
