I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
