Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
