My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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