he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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