Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
