Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
