non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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