i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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