Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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