im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
