what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
