Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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