Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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