I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
