Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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