The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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