I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
