Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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