i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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