hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
