I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
