my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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