You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
