Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
