I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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