Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
