Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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