I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
