How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
