Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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