my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
