How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i dont even know how to be here
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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