I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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