meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
