I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
