If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
