you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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