I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
