Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
