I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
