Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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