i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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